Watching the Clock~

WOW... it's 11:11 pm - Thursday, July 19th.  TWELVE MORE HOURS and then I will be cut, sliced and diced.  Then this cancer thing becomes reality.  I am now another statistic in the world of cancer. 

About 8:30 this morning I decided I could not be at work another minute.  I HAD to get away... to have some moment when cancer wasn't crowding every thought - every second of every minute.  But that didn't happen... not today.  CANCER was there lurking around every phone call, every test and every friendly face.  I cried several times today. AND the stupidest thing I cried about was a ZIT in the middle of my forehead.  ARE you KIDDING me??  I'm going to lose my "girls" - part of my body tomorrow and I'm getting a ZIT?  Can you say

M E L T D O W N?!

So I decided I needed to STOP watching the clock and do SOMETHING to set me apart tomorrow.  I called my lovely daughter and off we went..... shopping for nail polish!

 

I think my new nail color will give me a DISTINCTIVE look in surgery on Friday. The nurses will say... "do you remember that nice gal with the teal toenails?" instead of "do you remember that lady whose breasts we removed?"  See what a difference a color can make?

I feel in a fog today... actually the past 16 days.  Fog doesn't really explain it... it's deeper and more sinister then fog. No one, outside of my family, seems to see it or feel it like I do.  People just don't realize.....  

There is a Four-Way stop by my house. I have watched drivers get mad at other people that don't "wait" their turn. They scream, honk their horns and flip off the other driver.  I want to yell.." Really People? Is that all you have to be mad about.  I. HAVE. CANCER!"  I watched a teenage girl insult her mother at Target the other day because she didn't get an item she wanted.  "Are you nuts??  My grown adult children have CRIED because they are worried about their mother.  Because their MOTHER. HAS. CANCER"  I watched the RUDEST exchange of words between a couple at Gateway on Wednesday.  "Seriously?? I have a sweet husband whose heart is broken because his WIFE. HAS. CANCER." I want to scream at these people and tell them to appreciate not having a clock ticking for them and not living in the fog. Would they hear?

I continue to watch the clock.... ticking off the minutes as the fog in my life gets so thick there is no place to go but down the path I don't want to walk.  It's almost midnight now... soon it will be July 20th - surgery day.  I don't know what to expect. I don't know what I will do or how I will feel about... anything.  I just know that even though I have countless family and friends that are thinking of me and praying for me.. I am living this journey as no one else has - as I watch the clock tick away the minutes hoping the time will soon come again when I feel normal and come out of the fog.