Please... Stop the Guilt!

 I was visiting with my dear friend Paul the week before my surgery.  I mentioned to him some of the CRAZY things people have said to me since finding out I have cancer.  I know most people mean well and for the most part it has been fairly humorous.  It does bother me when a person actually thinks that I or anyone else have caused our own cancer.   Paul said I should write a book.  Well, a blog is as close as I'm gonna get....

IF you rid yourself of your anger

Your cancer will be cured.

Ok.. I'm not sure if this person REALLY knows me.  I am not a very angry person.  NOT that I don't get mad/angry at times but as a whole I'm a pretty accepting person. If I do have a day when I'm upset - I usually let it out and then I'm good to go. I don't think my "anger" caused my cancer.

So please.... don't tell a person with a terminal disease (or anything!) to rid themselves of anger.  That is not helpful.

You're lucky!

 At least you know what you will die from.

Hmmm.... yeh... lucky.  Does this really need a comment?

IF you had eaten more vegetables

 (throw in here fruits, soy, lentils, grass juice, etc.)

You wouldn't have got cancer.

First off - thanks for guiltying me about my eating habits.  Second off - no one really knows my eating habits.  As an FYI all of us have cancer cells in our bodies.  YES - all of us! Yes, healthy eating is a plus for everyone but telling a person who has cancer that they caused it because of their eating style?  This is not helpful. 

One person mentioned that they had read "somewhere" that
Cancer feeds and grows on the sugar a person has eaten

throughout their entire life. 

Please see above. (I like sugar!)

Totally delicious!  Thanks Jill~

I know how you feel and if I had your cancer I would.....

I appreciate empathy - I truly do. But unless someone has had both breasts removed, gone through chemo and hair loss, nausea, nails lifting, swelling body and neuropathy all at the same time, they really don't know how I feel.  This is true with any illness whether physical or emotional. I'm great with hearing what other people have tried or done but I don't what to hear "if I had cancer I would...."  you really don't know what you would do.

Giving support by thinking of the person, offering help,  praying for the person, dropping in for a visit, bringing dinner... excellent!  Thank you.. perfect, just what is needed and so appreciated. 

Gee, that's really rotten that you "got" cancer.

 I'm glad it's not me

<sigh> It is "rotten" and I'm glad it's not you, either!

Oh, you're lucky it's only breast cancer

OR

you've got the "good kind" of cancer

ONLY....  The American Cancer Society has released these stats for the United States for 2013:

       1 in 8 (12%) women will have breast cancer sometime in their life

       232,340 new cases of IDC (which I have) will be reported in 2013

       39,620 women will die from breast cancer this year

       Breast Cancer is the second leading cause of death for women only exceeded by lung cancer

       Most funding goes towards research and early detection not treatment

GOOD KIND.... really!

I'm sorry to share my problems

with all you are going through.

I can totally appreciate people feeling this way.  But for me personally, I want to know what is happening to my family and friends.  I want to still be a part of their life.  It's actually good for someone dealing on a daily basis with a life threatening illness to think of others.  We all have struggles in our lives.  It does not make your struggle any less because I have cancer.  Please don't feel guilty about sharing yourself with me or feel bad for what you are dealing with.  Please don't avoid me.  It's life.  My cancer is my struggle right now and you have yours.

I am truly lucky and feel so blessed to have so many dear and thoughtful family and friends.  I hurt for those that are not as fortunate (sadly there are many). I appreciate so many thoughtful words, prayers and actions where I have been the recipient.

January 25, 2013 - 1 week from surgery

AS A SIDE NOTE....
It's been 1 week today since my surgery. I'm off pain pills (maybe one at night) WAHOO and am feeling pretty good.  My legs, from my thighs to my feet, are GIGANTICALLY swollen.

I saw the doc on Tuesday and now he wants me back next Tuesday to check the swelling.

AT LEAST it's not summer so long pants are comfortable!! I will require one more surgery - sometime in the next month or two. But everything considered - THINGS ARE GOOD!!!!

Surgery! It WASN'T a boob job -

*Not really*

A breast augmentation is a surgery that is performed to enhance what already exists.

Mine was re-constructive

A surgery that is done to reconstruct something that no longer exists - gone - kaput~

I am "wrapped"  in TWO corsets.

One for my chest (more supportive)
The other (this one is T I G H T) from below my chest to my hips.
I must wear these for at least 2 weeks

.

I had some slightly stretched out skin (expanders gone!!)

I had no tissue and very little (if any) muscle

All of that had to be added

I've heard a variety of comments - 

People offering their fat/tissue

for my "lipo".

(Though it really wasn't lipo to make me thin)
Many people stating how "lucky" I am
Because I "get" a boob job and lipo
Probably not the word I would use...

This is quite personal and I feel slightly brave to share
As people seem to look at my chest during the discussion....

So this is all I'm going to say about it.

I have Breast Cancer

I had a Double Mastectomy to save my life

I want to look and feel like myself again

I had surgery

Yes, my boobs are fake

My real ones tried to kill me.

I think surgery was a good choice

6:15 am - leaving for the hospital

Kiss for luck!  xoxoxo

My surgery corset.  I must wear this for 2 weeks.  VERY uncomfortable

Something to cheer me up. Thanks Lisa!

Oh yeh... chemo the day before.  PIECE of cake!

And Many, Many More....

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy Birthday I Made It

Happy Birthday to Me 

and many, many, many more!

I received a BIRTHDAY card from the American Cancer Society - Making Strides Walk.  Interesting tidbit they listed in my 'card'.  Breast cancer death rate is down 33%.  Thanks to all the progress made in breast cancer research and treatment 17,000 women celebrated their birthday in 2012 - who otherwise would have "been lost to breast cancer".  Now THAT is some birthday card!!

I wanted to spend the past weekend at the cabin with Randy, Jenni and their families for my  early birthday celebration.  The weather did NOT cooperate.  So - we have postponed it for a few weeks.  However, my DAY - January 14th, was great.  Rusty, Collette and Owen did some Facetime with Scott and I.   Rick and Anna both called.  Hank, Max, Randy and Annie called earlier and gave a great rendition of the birthday song.  My friends at work took me to lunch and another friend is taking me to lunch on Wednesday.  Scott grilled some steaks, ordered and picked up the birthday cake and ice cream AND has dinner reservations for Thursday night.  It was a wonderful birthday and I am so GRATEFUL I am here to start my next year of life!!

Pictures from the evening..... awesome family!

Love my man!

One day he will smile!! I know it!

Queen for the Day

Not really.....

Will you STOP taking pictures?!!

Randy, Annie, Hank, Max, Sam and me

Jenni, Lynn, Dyson, Colby, Lennon and me

 

Leading the singing of Happy Birthday

I can still blow out ALL my candles!!  Wahooooo

    

A fun armful of grandbabies! 

 Thanks to everyone for making me feel so special and loved!  It was a fun day... just wait til next year!

Katie Has it Wrong

 I've always been a Katie Couric fan.  I haven't had a lot of opportunities to watch her on TV over the years.  Just a few minutes before I would dash out the door when I worked in American Fork.  Yesterday I watched her new talk show "Katie" and was intrigued.  Katie went on her show WITHOUT any makeup and asked her studio audience to do the same thing.   It was a good show and had some interesting guests with excellent comments regarding society and the pressure on women to always be thin or look good.  It's absolutely true but sadly, most of us fall into that trap.


I enjoyed the show and agreed with Katie until.......

The last few minutes she announced her "hottest" husband contest winner. She wanted to find the "hottest" husband that loved his wife no matter what she wore or looked liked.  She spoke of the entries she had from so many women, those that spoke of long term - loving marriages, those that spoke of being together through sickness and financial problems, etc.  THEN she introduced the 3 finalists to her audience.  They were all fairly young.  None spoke of difficulties and of being there for each other.  One did a "tootsie roll dance" and slept with his shoes on.  THAT was the winner.

Yes, he was cute.  They were a cute couple.  They had been married for a few years BUT Katie got it wrong!  Anyone can crack a joke, wear shoes to bed and do a dance.

I guess my definition is different.  Looks are nice but what matters in the long run is substance.  BUT not everyone can be a TRULY HOT HUSBAND.  So here's my definition of a HOT HUSBAND - who is a HERO.

A HOT husband is someone who tells his wife, right after a bilateral mastectomy, how beautiful she is.  He buzzes her hair off, that he always loved, with tears in his eyes.  He buys his wife an amazing camera because she had several meltdowns and feels worthless.  He sends her flowers when her nails turn black and calls her throughout the day so she knows he is thinking of her and loves her.  He walks proudly by her in public with her only wearing a hat (it's very noticeable she is bald).  He kisses her bald head and tells her she is beautiful and he loves her.  He sits with her for hours during her chemo treatment.  He sits through biopsies, MRIs and scans.  He sits through meetings with doctors and surgeons. He gives up things that are important to him saying nothing is more important then her. 

A HOT husband is there in a nano minute when any of their kids or grandkids have issues, problems or ball games.  He was the person MORE patient with his wife's elderly mother.  He would listen to her for hours when others grew tired.  He was there when she died.  He was there to comfort his wife and her mother.

A HOT husband buys potatoes and oranges and other items throughout the year and takes them to the homeless shelter.  He takes clothes there throughout the year.  He shovels/snow blows the entire street and shows up for "volunteer" assignments even when he knows no one else will be there. 

A HOT husband is the man I'm married to.  He tells me I saved his life.  He saved mine. 

Katie has it wrong.  Anyone can do some sort of dance.  Not every man can be a HOT HERO HUSBAND.

My HOT husband - Thanksgiving 2007

 

Summer 2008

On our way to my bilateral surgery 2012

On our way to my first chemo 2012

Happy to be together

It's My BIRTHDAY....... almost

And a BIG 

W A H O O O O ! ! !

I've had a lot of BIRTHDAY celebrations... this one might be the best

Six months ago (seems like forever) I didn't know what I would be doing on my birthday or
 if I would even be HERE.
 I really haven't spent too much time contemplating my demise
 but it does enter into your little mind from time to time once you hear the "C" word.

It seems that we as humans too often walk around with blinders on... we don't really SEE life.  We are always in a hurry and worried or upset about things that don't really matter.  One of the greatest blessings of these last 6 months is looking at life with a new perspective.  Trying (always trying) not to let unimportant issues cloud my day and upset me.  Enjoying simple, precious moments....  the laughing of Dyson, Colby, Hank and Max - and trying to take their picture, Lennon's "crusty" look, Sam's crazy hair and Owen's dancing.  The corny jokes from my husband, his great smile (yes he does smile) and his infectious laugh.  This year I don't even care if Scott turns on the outside Christmas lights now that the holiday season is past. It doesn't matter.

It's amazing to take time for the little pleasures in life...  snow and winter (even though my head is cold), birds, all the leaves that had to be raked, root beer freezes, Texas Roadhouse rolls, a perfect steak and a good barbeque grill.   The ability to fly half way across the country in 3 1/2 hours, 35 mpg's in my car and a  warmer in my car seat.  

If cancer decides to stay with me, or comes back, I will be ok.  My life is good... in fact, it's great! I've wondered over the years what will I leave this world when I die.  E A S Y!  My legacy is my children.  I have wonderful children.  I am so proud of them all.  They have grown into amazing adults, spouses and  parents.  I'm proud of their spouses and children, too.  They are all incredible.

But hey, I'm not going anywhere!  I'm looking forward to this next year.  I'm anxious to see what color my hair will be and if it will be curly or straight.  I'm excited to regain my energy, eyelashes and eyebrows!! 

I'm different this birthday. I'm not the same person I was last year. 

 I can't go back and be who I was at my last birthday - before cancer - I don't want to. 

 I like where I am at!

Just for fun - Here are some pictures from BIRTHDAYS gone by...

1st birthday with my mom

6th birthday with Thumbelina

12th birthday

Birthday 2009

Birthday 2012 - blowing out the candles with Sam's help

2012 - I always love a birthday party!!

Prickles of hair and black nails, Oh My!!

YEP!  The hair is starting to come back!  I tried to take a picture to post but all I could see was my splotchy bald head.. oh my!   So everyone will just have to take my word for it.  Scott says there is DARK hair coming in - maybe more dark then gray.  I think he is just being nice......

That is the good stuff that is happening.

But there is bad... Miserable stuff too

My LEGS!!  My ANKLES!!  My FEET!!  OH MY!!!  They are SO SWOLLEN, as in elephant size swollen.  I can not zip my boots up.  Mind you, I have lost 35 pounds since I bought those boots so there should not be a zipping problem.  The doctor has called in a little something for me at the pharmacy.  I do hope it helps as this is NOT fun.  Oh wait    cancer - fun.....

Then we have to consider my hands and feet - more accurately, my fingernails and toenails.  They are BLACK and ugly and they hurt.  The nails on five fingers are lifting and the nail on one toe.  It's difficult to button, zip, type, make the bed or pick up anything.  I'm actually quite miserable right now.  These darn nails could take months to grow out.  I can only hope they don't all lift up and fall off.

I'm fairly melancholy today.  Several weeks ago a friend passed away from Stage IV breast cancer.  When she was diagnosed she actually had a smaller tumor then I and was slated at Stage IIa (I'm IIb).  Everything else about our diagnosis was similar.  I realize that no two people have the same experience and results with cancer.  What helps one person might not help another so it is very humbling.  Another friend who is only 29 - said her final goodbyes in her blog on Dec. 26th.  These friends are part of an online support group for HER2 positive breast cancer that I belong too. We have never met but we share the same battle.  We communicate via messages giving support and hope to each other.  Sadly, those two women make numbers 5 and 6 that have passed away since October. 

January 1st marked THREE years since my stepson (Kim's son) Austin passed away from osteosarcoma cancer.  He was 21.  He didn't have time to get married.  He didn't have time to have any children.  He only had his drivers license for a couple of years before he had to stop driving because of the cancer.

I sure loved this kid~

  This is Austin the year his dad and I got married. 

 This is how I like to remember him~ 

I don't remember how many skateboards he broke!

 This is Austin a couple of months before he passed away.  

He had stopped chemo. It wasn't working

February 22nd will mark 15 years since my dad passed away from cancer.  He had melanoma and carcinoma.  His cancer metastasized into his organs. He was a genuinely kind and empathic man. He had a HUGE toothy grin.  He was very intelligent but never looked down on people.  He LOVED sports especially BYU football and basketball.  He had aisle seats in both venues that I still have today.  He had a cute little bald head.  I like to think that he would have liked my bald head -  not the reason why I'm bald.  We could have compared shines!! 

I miss my dad~

My mom and dad.

  My dad always looked the same~

This is my dad the year before he passed away.

BIG grin - always~

I'm not very happy with cancer - certainly not a fan! (who is, right?)   It has taken a lot of good people and things from me.

I wish there was a cure.