GYNO 101

I went to my yearly gynecologist appointment today... somewhat bitter sweet.  Last June she was telling me the lump I found needed to be checked.  Heck yeh - I knew that - I'd get to it.  But she told me "now".  Just look what that got me!

She is very sweet. She has called from time to time throughout the year to see how I'm doing.  She wanted all the updated stories today.  She wanted to hear about my surgery, my totally rotten chemo round one treatment and how I was doing now.  Her eyes were moist when I told her about my nails and my depression.

I mentioned that now - with my hair coming in - so many people do not know how difficult and tough this past year has been for me. I mentioned how much I have missed my mom and how important family and friends have been through all of this.

I told her I didn't think I could go through all this again but she said she knew I could, if needed.  I mentioned how ticked I am that I have gained 14 pounds after losing 40 last year.  She said it's because my body is a "fighter".  Her comments were that my body was doing what it needed to do to fight the cancer and deal with the poison it was given.  She went on to say that skinny, tiny bodies can not fight as well and most often lose.  So the 14 pounds is a blessing.  It means my body wanted to fight and win.  She said that in the next 6 months my little body will stabilize - once the treatments are completed.

Funny thing... she actually made me feel GOOD about gaining some weight!!  HA!  That's a new idea~

My thoughts today are that I hope all my family and friends take care of themselves... CHECK for anything amiss in the way they are feeling in/on their bodies.  We only get one.  Let's keep them healthy and around for many years!

BTW - THREE MORE chemo treatments and then I should be done!  HOORAY~

I Think My Body Is Mad

Yep!! I think my body is mad at me. Not sure why - other than I've been filling it full of poison now for 10 months. Why would that make my little ole bod mad?

The past two days I have been having deep in-the-joint and bone aches and pain along with aches everywhere else in my body.  The bottoms of my feet hurt - the palms of my hands hurt. My FOOBs especially hurt. Tylenol will take away some of it for a few hours but tonight I had to crawl on my hands and knees UP my stairs!  It was too painful on my feet and bending my knees.  WEIRD STUFF!!

I'm kind of concerned... kind of.  I have no fever - no nausea - no sore throat or cough.  I think my body is just telling me that it's had enough.  But it's gonna have to "tough it out" for a little while longer.

By my calculations I have FOUR more chemo treatments.... 6/13, 7/3 (anniversary of the "c" news), 7/25 and... if all goes well -  8/15 should be my last treatment.

I've been telling my body the past two days that it's not MY fault.  IT messed up.  IT let cancer cells take hold.  I should be mad at IT not the other way around.  I've been trying to check for any new lumps - something that puts FEAR in the minds of cancer peeps.  But everything hurts too much to push around.

That's what I'm dealing with now along with trying to figure out HOW to lose this chemo weight!!

UGH

I Miss You Both So Much

I'm heading to Madison - Wahoooo - to celebrate Owen's 2nd birthday.  I'm so excited to see him!! Oh.. and Rusty and Collette, too! I had a few things to take care of before I could leave.  Like... chemo Thursday morning and...

Wednesday (22nd) I went over to East Lawn Memorial to place the flowers on my parents graves for Memorial Day. I miss and think about them everyday but nothing compares to the way I have missed them (especially my mom) this past year.  It has been one ROUGH year!

My cancer would have been extremely difficult for my 88 year old not-as-strong-as-she-use-to-be mom.  So I'm glad "that" mom didn't have to see the pains and melt downs from my cancer.  But my mom, the one who I can still picture sitting on the kitchen chair in her yellow kitchen talking on her green phone, would have been such a good support.  Sometimes you just really need your mom.  I have often thought of her in that yellow kitchen.  There were times that I didn't think she could possibly understand me and then she would surprise me.  That mom would have been checking on me, helping me, hugging me and telling me everything would be alright -  during the times when I didn't think they would.  The other night I picked up my phone to call her. When I realized what I was doing I just stared at the phone while tears filled my eyes.  She has been gone 2 1/2 years.

My dad's calming presence would have given me peace when I needed it.  His spiritual strength would have buoyed me up when I didn't want to continue.  I picture my dad in his recliner, with the newspaper (of course) and his big smile on his face.

My mom and dad aren't with me physically but my loving memories and thoughts of them are with me daily, in my heart.  I feel incredibly blessed that I had these two people as my parents.  If they hadn't adopted me - I'm sure my life would have been much different.  

As I placed the flowers on their graves I felt tears, once again, in my eyes.  

I miss you both so much!

 

I HATE CANCER!!

C A N C E R

the great evil

I received some heartbreaking news today that a good, dear friend was diagnosed with cancer.  I cried. I am still crying.  I can not handle that another person and family has to go through the fight against this horrible disease.    

It doesn't matter what kind of cancer you have - or your stage - or your "odds".... Your life and that of your loved ones will be changed forever.  You will always wonder if  "IT" has come back.  You have times when you realize how incredibly short the rest of your life might really be.  You look at things differently.

As my life continues to get closer to "normal" it is sad to realize that other people are just starting the journey.

Life is a wonderful, fragile gift.  I hope I never take it for granted.

The Wind in My Hair

A couple of weekends ago Scott and I were in St. George for the blessing of his niece's daughter.  While walking through the hall in the church, two little girls approached me.  One looked up and said "why is your hair so short?"  DANG!  Just when I was starting to feel a little less like a cancer patient~ 

People have been emailing and texting me for an updated photo shoot of my hair.   Apparently, according to a 7 year old, my hair is still very short.   However, I did get excited the other night when I was able to put my sunglasses under my hair. HOORAY!! 

Then just a few days ago....  Scott teased me a little that I had some "bedhead" going on when I got up.  My hair was STICKING UP in several places!!  WAHOOO!!

Add to all that the fact that I could FEEL the wind blowing through my hair the other night.  I can't express what a THRILL that was!!  I could FEEL my hair being blown.

Small things ... in a hectic life
    But BIG things to me ... in my recovering life!

Part of my recovery is having FUN again!! 

 And speaking of fun.....

My awesome friend, Angie, gave me her concert tickets to Bon Jovi.  She was sick and wouldn't be able to go.  Sad for her .......  But  W A H O O  for me!!  I've had a "crush" on JON since the 80's!

Jon Bon Jovi LIVE on stage

Scott and I at the concert

Oh YEA - Tickets and a Shirt!!!

R O C K  O N !

AU CONTRAIRE!

Some days really get me thinking.  Over the past 8 months I've been involved in several conversations where someone has stated that I was "given cancer because you could handle it". 

 AU CONTRAIRE!!

 

The assumption that some people are making is that God gave me cancer.  I do not believe that I was "given" cancer whether as a "gift" or because I could "handle it", from God.

I do believe our bodies are subject to the effects of environment and genetics.  Some of us get crappy diseases because our bodies are fallible.  Some of our bodies fight better than others because of our genetic makeup - some bodies struggle.  It's more the "luck of the draw" then "given".  

Personally, I don't believe that GOD gave me something painful or difficult because I could handle it.  I don't believe GOD pointed His finger at me and said "Jeri will handle abandonment issues - let her be adopted".  Or, "Jeri can handle a gut-wrenching - brokenhearted experience so let her experience divorce."  Ohh ohh.. wait... Jeri still can handle more... "Give her cancer just because......she can handle it and someone has to have it!"

The God I love, my Heavenly Father, is a loving Father.  He hurts when His children hurt, as I hurt for mine.  He suffers when His children struggle as I do when my children struggle. He wants us to succeed and be happy as I want my children to succeed and be happy.  He is the example of a true and loving Father.  He would not "give" me cancer. The issue is more that God allows life to happen to us, and the key is how we respond to those events.   Yes, there are lessons to be learned from each experience - that is why He is always close by - to hear our struggles, pains and sorrows.  To comfort.  That is my God, my Father in Heaven, that I love.

 

 

FOOB Follies

F O O B 

 Citation [Def. 2]. (n.d.)  Fake Boob
 

Once again I had the pleasure (tongue in cheek) of hearing the words that my left "FOOB" has an infection.

S E R I O U S L Y ? ? ?

My doctor's first word to me today, when he saw me was... "WHOA".  NOT a good sign.  A sonogram was performed.  Thankfully no fluid.  NOW what?! 

More antibiotics.  I just finished a "Z pac" for my sinus yuck.  Doc did mention that sometimes sinus infections can trigger infections elsewhere  aka the FOOB.  

It sounds like once this mess is cleaned up there will be at least one additional surgery added to my list of "things to do this spring".  So instead of one surgery there will be two - possibly three.  <BIG SIGH>

I'm hoping for some immediate relief.  I am currently experiencing a lot of pain in my left arm and, of course, my left FOOB.  I'm hoping NOT to cancel another trip.  (This time - Vegas to visit my brother and sister.)  All fingers and functional toes are crossed.

And to think I thought once the NASTY CHEMO was done

I'd be in the CLEAR.

ha!

"The Best Laid Schemes of Mice and Men!!"

 (Robert Burns  1786)