Pity Party Anyone?

Monday I went into my office to work.  I had been there a couple of hours when my supervisor suggested I pack up and go home to work for the next few days.  There was all kinds of coughing, sneezing and sniffling going on around me.  Bless her heart... she understands about a low immune system and the terrifying thought of getting sick and putting off a chemo treatment.  So a couple of hours later (I had to use the copier/printer and do some filing), I packed up my laptop and headed home where I finished out my day.

Tuesday started out alright.  Working from home can be really awesome.  I wore a fuzzy hat, fuzzy socks and comfy pants.  I was typing away an IM answer when I glanced up at the top shelf of my desk - where MANY pictures reside.  I focused on this cute picture....

Me at Owen's birthday in May

and the Pity Party started!  I look like myself in that picture.  I look happy and NORMAL.

I can't remember what it's like to look like me.  What would I look like if I wasn't fighting cancer?

My face would look normal.  Right now I have red blemish's all over my cheeks.  My eyes and nose are red because they continually RUN and I am continually wiping them. 

I'd have hair.  I'm tired of wearing something on my head all the time.  I'm tired of my head being COLD if it's not covered.  I'm tired of suddenly throwing off my hat because I'm HOT then once it's off - I get cold!  There is no winning this battle.

My right leg and hands would look normal.  My hands are still RED from the chemo forcing it's way out.  My fingers have multiple cracks and cuts - which I super glue.  My right leg swells... oddly the left does not.  Neuropathy has started in my feet.

I can't remember what it's like to feel normal....

My chest would feel normal instead of feeling like an elephant is sitting on it ALL THE TIME.  The pressure never stops.

I'd have energy throughout the day and I'd be able to sleep at night.  Both of these things elude me right now. 

I could have eaten Thanksgiving dinner without taking nausea pills.

I could hold my grandchildren without worrying about their heads hitting my port.  I could hug them without the muscles down my sides still hurting.

I'd weigh 10 pounds less as I wouldn't have been given steroids. 

I would look in the mirror and recognize myself. 


What would I be doing now if I didn't have cancer?

I wouldn't feel out of the loop at work.  I would know what was going on in the office and in the lives of my friends.
 
I would have enough vacation and sick leave so I could plan a vacation to Cabo with my girlfriends.

Scott and I would be heading to the Grand Cayman Island's next week with my friend Sandy and her husband. 

I would be Christmas shopping at the new outlet stores  - because I would have energy - instead of shopping online.

I would have the energy to get myself to my grandchildren's Christmas programs.

WHAT will I do once this tough round of chemo is done?

Did the chemo work? What if the chemo failed me?  Do I worry more? Less?  I am scared to stop this round of chemo. It's been rough but at least I feel like I'm doing something to fight the cancer. What happens inside my body now?

Once my hair starts coming back, will anyone know what I've gone through?

Will people understand that this will affect me emotionally for a very long time?

Will I stop thinking about cancer 24/7?

OK - I'm done feeling sorry for myself!  Everyone needs a pity party once in awhile but this party isn't that much fun. I think I'll go eat a handful of almond M&M's and then shut the door on this "party". Things could be so much worse and TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY!

Thanks for listening~