Where Do I Go From Here

This isn't where I intended to be 

I thought I had it all

Now my certainties disappear
What do I do for my dreams to survive? 

 

 

I'm learning a lot about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

I think I have a version of it. 

Research has shown that PTSD can occur with cancer survivors

 especially since they are dealing with a life-threatening medical diagnosis.

(American Cancer Society) 

 

I've got some depression creeping around in my head.

I'm "gun shy" of making any long term commitments right now.

Just about anything can make me emotional - much easier than before!

I don't want to go anywhere but the rooms in my home.

 

In my head I am trying to figure out

Where DO I GO FROM HERE?

What is my next plan?

What do I do with this experience?

 

 

I still feel betrayed by my body

I'm still dealing with treatments every 3 weeks 

I will take a poison pill every morning - for the next 5 years

My fingernails are now totally black and lifting.  

Two fingernails are infected along with two toenails. 

Let's not even discuss what they look like or how they "smell". 

My breasts fill like over-sized croquet balls OR large softballs.

They feel like they have been hit by a club or bat on a daily basis.

 

 

I am scared - yes SCARED - of recurrence

I don't know if I could do this again.

My kids didn't like to hear when I didn't feel good

I don't think my brother or sister did either.

Scott heard the complaints - which wasn't easy.

No one wants to hear my fears -

So I've started therapy

 

 

My oncologist says there won't be any "scans"

unless he finds something.

He pushes around and listens to all my organs before my treatments

He hasn't found anything "new" which is great! 

I'd rather not have any metastasized tumors infiltrating my body.

But WHAT IF he misses something?

So back to my original question

Where do I go from here?

 

I know the answer is FORWARD

I need to figure out what my "new" life will feel like.

New because I'm not the same person that I was before.

This might take me some time

~Please be patient with me~