Pity Party Anyone?

Monday I went into my office to work.  I had been there a couple of hours when my supervisor suggested I pack up and go home to work for the next few days.  There was all kinds of coughing, sneezing and sniffling going on around me.  Bless her heart... she understands about a low immune system and the terrifying thought of getting sick and putting off a chemo treatment.  So a couple of hours later (I had to use the copier/printer and do some filing), I packed up my laptop and headed home where I finished out my day.

Tuesday started out alright.  Working from home can be really awesome.  I wore a fuzzy hat, fuzzy socks and comfy pants.  I was typing away an IM answer when I glanced up at the top shelf of my desk - where MANY pictures reside.  I focused on this cute picture....

Me at Owen's birthday in May

and the Pity Party started!  I look like myself in that picture.  I look happy and NORMAL.

I can't remember what it's like to look like me.  What would I look like if I wasn't fighting cancer?

My face would look normal.  Right now I have red blemish's all over my cheeks.  My eyes and nose are red because they continually RUN and I am continually wiping them. 

I'd have hair.  I'm tired of wearing something on my head all the time.  I'm tired of my head being COLD if it's not covered.  I'm tired of suddenly throwing off my hat because I'm HOT then once it's off - I get cold!  There is no winning this battle.

My right leg and hands would look normal.  My hands are still RED from the chemo forcing it's way out.  My fingers have multiple cracks and cuts - which I super glue.  My right leg swells... oddly the left does not.  Neuropathy has started in my feet.

I can't remember what it's like to feel normal....

My chest would feel normal instead of feeling like an elephant is sitting on it ALL THE TIME.  The pressure never stops.

I'd have energy throughout the day and I'd be able to sleep at night.  Both of these things elude me right now. 

I could have eaten Thanksgiving dinner without taking nausea pills.

I could hold my grandchildren without worrying about their heads hitting my port.  I could hug them without the muscles down my sides still hurting.

I'd weigh 10 pounds less as I wouldn't have been given steroids. 

I would look in the mirror and recognize myself. 


What would I be doing now if I didn't have cancer?

I wouldn't feel out of the loop at work.  I would know what was going on in the office and in the lives of my friends.
 
I would have enough vacation and sick leave so I could plan a vacation to Cabo with my girlfriends.

Scott and I would be heading to the Grand Cayman Island's next week with my friend Sandy and her husband. 

I would be Christmas shopping at the new outlet stores  - because I would have energy - instead of shopping online.

I would have the energy to get myself to my grandchildren's Christmas programs.

WHAT will I do once this tough round of chemo is done?

Did the chemo work? What if the chemo failed me?  Do I worry more? Less?  I am scared to stop this round of chemo. It's been rough but at least I feel like I'm doing something to fight the cancer. What happens inside my body now?

Once my hair starts coming back, will anyone know what I've gone through?

Will people understand that this will affect me emotionally for a very long time?

Will I stop thinking about cancer 24/7?

OK - I'm done feeling sorry for myself!  Everyone needs a pity party once in awhile but this party isn't that much fun. I think I'll go eat a handful of almond M&M's and then shut the door on this "party". Things could be so much worse and TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY!

Thanks for listening~

Thankful For It All

Thanksgiving was my dad's favorite holiday.  It's my brother's favorite as well.  This year, Thanksgiving has become my favorite.  Not for the food (but that's delicious anyway), not for the Turkey bowls or football games (however, I love football) but for the sheer joy of being alive and able to express thankfulness. 

Rick came "home" this year again.  YEH!  He has made it every year since he moved to Portland.  He was joined by Jenni and her family, Jamie and Jayden and Scott's nephew Nick, for Thanksgiving dinner at our house.  As we started eating, Rick suggested that we each state one thing we are thankful for.  I decided at that time that I needed to write a "thankful" blog. I want to remember what this year has reminded me of and given me.  

Scott
When I told Scott that the doctor said it was cancer - he cried.  He cried for me. He cried for us and he cried for my kids.  He has listened to my meltdowns, he has held me when I've hurt.  He's got up at night to help me. He has sat through long hours of doctor's appointments and chemo and has waited on me hand and foot.  When people ask him how he is doing - he will say fine and then say "Jeri is the one that needs support".... even though he does too.  He has amazing empathy.  He will buy bags of potatoes and take good clothes to the homeless shelter throughout the year.  He'll drop what he is doing to help one of our kids or a neighbor.  He is the kindest person I know.  My kids love him, my mother loved him and I know my dad will love him.  I certainly do.  My brother told me that the one bright spot with me having cancer is that I am married to Scott.  He is so right!  My life is better with him in it.

Children
My children have always kept me going whenever things in my life have been tough.  I wouldn't have survived past challenges without them and they are a strong reason why I am doing everything I can to kick cancer. I LOVE technology!!  Rusty and Collette will text or call to check on me and also SKYPE often so I can watch Owen grow. Rick will call or text to see how I am doing. His girlfriend, Anna, texts me almost as much!  Randy and Annie both check on my regularly,  Jenni visits and/or calls daily and Lynn asks how I'm doing.  I know they all "have my back".  I know they were all terribly hurt this summer when I called with my cancer news.  But they have been cheering me on. My grandchildren light up my life.  They are truly the bright spot in each day.  It is said that ones children are a reflection of oneself.  Well, I certainly did something right in my life to have all of these wonderful people - Rusty, Collette, Owen, Randy, Annie, Hank, Max, Sam, Jenni, Lynn, Dyson, Colby, Lennon, Rick and Anna in my life. 

 Extended family and friends
Cousins, nieces, nephews, in-laws, friends I haven't seen in years, friends I see daily and neighbors have been checking on me, praying for me, feeding me, running errands for me.  The most amazing thing is having people I don't know tell me they are praying for me.  It is overwhelming and very humbling to have that kind of support in your life. 

Supervisors
I can't begin to express how grateful I am for the continued support and understanding of both mine and Scott's supervisors. My supervisor has been so gracious to work around my surgery, treatments and side effects.  Scott's supervisor has been the same.  I am so grateful for my job, the people that I work with and the agency where I work.  

Chemotherapy
I'm extremely grateful for the advancement in chemotherapy for the type of breast cancer I have.  Seven years ago I would have been told to get my affairs in order.  I may get sick, I may hate the side effects but I am so lucky and so thankful for chemo.

The Atonement
I am thankful for the love and blessings from a loving Heavenly Father. I am grateful for the blessings of the Atonement.  The Atonement is not only about Christ taking on the sins of the world but also the pain and suffering.  I know because of the Savior's experience in Gethsemane and His sacrifice that He understands what I am experiencing. I have been blessed with comfort and peace throughout this time.  I know I am loved. 

Life
I am grateful to be alive!  I try to enjoy each day even when it's a tough day...compared to the alternative - I'll take it!  Life is good.  That is why we all fight to stay in it as long as we can.  I love my life.  I'm grateful for all of my experiences - good and bad.  Each experience makes us the person who we are.  I like who I am.

My early New Year's Resolution is to NOT wait for Thanksgiving to think about being thankful.  My resolution is to be thankful every day of the year.

I am so lucky and so thankful!

Stories From the Chemo Room

Everyone has a story.  Their own life story.  Sitting in the chemo room, we patients seem to easily interact with each other.  We are all in a fight - different stages perhaps - but definitely a fight.

November 16th was Round 1 Treatment 5 for me.  Another one down.  The gal sitting next to me today finished her 6th treatment.  She got to ring the bell.  The bell....  it symbolizes victory.  It hangs on the wall close to the exit door.  Once you finish your last treatment of a round - you ring the bell.  Everyone in the room claps and cheers... kindof cool!

Anyway, this gal is 49.  She started chemo in May - only needing 6 treatments then radiation.  Somewhere down the road of treatments, her body had a horrible reaction.  She was in the hospital for 11 days.  Both kidneys had almost completely shut down. She heard the word "dialysis" and her name in many sentences.  Then by some miracle (we chemo peeps use that word and blessed a lot) her kidneys started functioning again.  Her husband and her were so grateful to only being attached to a chemo IV right now and not anything else.

There's a darling 32 year old gal I met on my 3rd treatment.  She has breast cancer.  She has 4 children and was recently divorced.  She walks into "our" chemo room with no hat, wig or scarf.  She loves to "work the bald look" as she told me.  She was having #5 today and has 3 more after that.  Her 9 year old daughter was her chemo buddy today.  She asks a different person each time to go with her.  She thinks everyone should have that experience.  I agree with her.

There's a 61 year old gal.  She had a rough time with recovery from her surgery.  Her husband passed away last year.  She said that was the thing making cancer so difficult for her.  Her daughter has been with her for each treatment. Her son came the first time.  It was very frightening for her but she said she and her husband started their business, which was scary.  So she can do this as well.

There's another gal in her late 60's that has cancer in her bone marrow.  She said she will never be cured.  She's been having chemo for almost a year and will continue once a month for the rest of her life, unless something else "hits me first!" as she told us.

I met the most lovely lady.  She looks to be in her late 70's.  She loves my hats.  She wants to find some like mine.  She still puts on makeup but doesn't want to hassle with the "falsies"  (as in eye lashes).

There are a couple of men there.  One with melanoma and the other with lymphoma.  Both are Stage 3, hoping to stop the spreading. One guy is a gruff farmer and the other a truck driver.  Their stories are hilarious. 

We are all drawn to each other due to our daily struggle, wishing each other the best, along with praying for miracles and cures.  All of these lovely people have good attitudes.  It is truly a wonderful experience to meet them.  I feel blessed.  They have given me hope and strength. The chances of seeing these people again, outside of chemo is slim to none.  But I will always remember them.  It's been an honor.  

I didn't want to go.....

but I did.  FIVE down!!  Wahooooooo~

Sometimes You Need A Break

Treatment number FIVE is approaching SO fast.  It seems like each treatment day arrives quicker than the last one.  I had a rough go of it the last time.  It took me almost an entire week to feel half-way decent.

I wanted a break. I NEEDED a break from cancer, chemo and side effects.  One week after #4 my hands, from my finger tips past my  knuckles, turned bright, HOT red.  They were burning.  It looked like I had stuck my hands in scaling water.  They were painful and swollen.  On Saturday, when they hadn't got any better, I called the on-call oncologist.  He said he had seen that side effect a time or two - it's fairly RARE (of course) from the drug Taxotere.  Nothing could be done.  Oh YEH.... watch this...

OUCH

I have used lotions, vitamin B oil, aloe vera, ice packs, cold water.. anything but heat.  Those things relieved the pain temporarily but as of today (T minus 2 days til #5) my  hands are still red.  Not AS red but still red AND peeling.   It's like the chemo is working it's way out of my body up through my hands.  Lovely~

I had a long weekend coming - Veterans Day - and had planned a little mini trip for a get away.  Our plans fell through.... sigh.  Sadness at no plans and feeling TICKED OFF at my hands and body (as a whole) hit me.

My incredibly wonderful husband decided to send me to Wisconsin to visit my oldest son Rusty, his wife Collette and almost 18 month old grandson Owen. 

I love this guy!

My main squeeze

 Scott booked me a FIRST class ticket - so I could be away from as many people as possible (low immune system)... and off I flew.  IT. WAS. GREAT.
 

Owen feeds himself and loves jam!

I love that smile!!

He loves his bath...

....and his dad

....and his mom

.. and playing at the park - such a cutie!

Owen hated to leave the swings

He's a climber...

and not scared of wild animals (which one is the wild one?)

He's always good for a laugh

and he loves books!!!

Rusty, Collete and Owen treated me like a Queen.  I didn't lift a finger.  Collette fixed delicious meals (I GAINED weight while there) and Owen entertained me with help from his dad and mom.  I had such a wonderful visit! 

We almost got him to smile!!

 It was JUST what I needed!!