Soooo I Guess It's Really Cancer....

Emotions run high as one year ago I underwent surgery for breast cancer.  One year ago - seems like a lifetime.  

Everyone has moved on.... accept maybe not me so much.  I read my post from last year.  I sat here, at my computer, and cried. Those memories, scars really, are still so fresh.  Reading how I felt brings all those emotions back to the surface.  It feels like putting salt on an open wound.  It's painful.

At my last doctor's appointment - I told him that I still didn't believe I have/had cancer.  I think someone made a big mistake.  (In psycho babble this is called denial)  He looked at me and just smiled.  Sooooo.... what exactly does that smile mean?

Anyway - HOORAY for me!  One rough, tough, difficult year bites the dust.  However, I will never truly celebrate success until this rotten, crappy, evil, life destroying cancer is cured.  

THEN we will party!!

Minutes before surgery - July 20, 2012

Do I Dare Use THAT Word??

Today I was called a "survivor".  I am not a fan of this terminology but it did get me thinking. I began thinking about all the "things" that have happened to me in the past 15 years. Experiences I survived?? What is a survivor?? Do I dare use that word??  (apparently life got a little harder after 40...)

At the start of 1998 my 23 year marriage was struggling.
My dad passed away.  I was heartbroken.

First grandchild born - Dyson

My marriage of 25 years ended.  More heartbreak.

 

Change jobs to work in Salt Lake City

Second marriage

Second grandchild born - Colby

My 3 year 'hiccup' marriage ended.  Not so heartbreaking.
My mom's age is starting to take it's toll. 

Third grandchild born - Hank

Date Scott  (2 years)

Marry Scott

Fourth grandchild born - Max

ITP goes crazy

Move mom into a retirement residence

Mammo not good - first biopsy ever 

Relief!  Biopsy is negative

 

Had splenecomy for ITP issues

Scott is diagnosed with Melanoma

Scott has surgery - almost dies on the 'table'

Platelet count crashes to 'life threatening'

High doses of Prednisone (I am such a grump)

Austin passes away - heartbreaking

Mom is getting worse

Mom passes away - I am heartbroken, again

FINALLY get a good family picture

 

Given chemo drug Rituxen for ITP

Fifth grandchild born - Owen

Platelet count good!

Sixth grandchild born - Sam

Seventh grandchild born - Lennon

Platelet count staying up and excellent

Working out/taking care of myself - lose weight

Find lump in left breast

Second biopsy

Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer. Heartbroken once again

Three more biopsy's

Surgery

  

Family all together for one week

 

Chemo

All kinds of Side Effects

Lose Hair

Nails turn black -get yucky

End of Taxotere and Carboplatin

Entire family together for Christmas

Heart doing well on Herceptin

Bone Loss

Neuropathy

Hair growing

Alive

Happy

Love Life

Love Family

Love Friends

L U C K Y   L A D Y

"Survivor".  Maybe - but no more tougher than anyone else.  I look at it this way - 

every morning that I wake up is a day that my heartaches

or that darn ITP or that rotten cancer didn't beat me!

  I have another day to spend loving my husband, my children, grandchildren and friends.

  Another day to sweat, shiver, pull weeds, do the laundry, ride the 4 wheelers, 

build a snowman, laugh out loud or cry like a baby. 

 Another day to LIVE.

  Every person has tough experiences in their life.  

No one gets a break. 

We will all die someday. But until then

Each day we wake up

 We are SURVIVORS!

 It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
Just trying hard to mend the pieces
of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
  feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
but now I hold my head up high

Oh no not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
and I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
hey, hey 

(Gloria Gaynor)

 

ONE year ago

ONE YEAR AGO....

July 3, 2012 - 

I was packing to go to the cabin for the 4th of July celebration.

      I was also getting ready to go to the cemetery with flowers for my mom's birthday.

Scott was in the garage getting the 4 wheelers loaded.

Rusty and his family were headed to Milwaukee for the holiday.

Randy and his family were headed to Zion's.

Jenni and her family were packing to go to the cabin with us.

Rick was in Florida meeting his girlfriends family.

The call came.

It's a moment that no one can forget.

You remember exactly what you were doing when you received the call.

You remember the exact words spoken.

You Remember It All.

You remember telling your husband.

You remember calling your children.

You remember crying.

ONE Year...

So many changes

So many tears

So much love and support

So many prayers

 

After chemo today I will have TWO treatments left and another surgery. This has been a tough, difficult year.  Out of the blue I can start to cry.  I'm not sure I could ever do this again.  I hope I don't ever have to make that decision.

THEN - 2012 (flowers for my mom)

NOW - 2013