This Club Sucks!

A few days ago a good friend of mine called to tell me that her daughter had just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer - she's 44.  Today she had surgery.  I have been an emotional mess today - crying, praying and worrying about her.  I have never met her but sadly she is now part of a "club" that no one wants to join.  I remember all too clearly the day before and the day of my surgery.  I remember the tears. I remember I couldn't eat.  I couldn't sleep.  I remember taking pictures with my family that was around.  I remember breaking into tears at the hospital (which was a little weird) when I saw a close relative. I remember being scared of the unknown.  I remember the prayers.  I remember the feeling of disbelief that this was happening to me.  I even told the doctor to check the results again as I thought he made a mistake.  I remember being in quite a bit of pain for a few days - then things started to get better.  I remember the tears when I first saw what I looked like.  And OH... I remember those horrible drains....

Leaving for Surgery

Waiting to Get Wheeled Into the OR

I Should Have Been Dancing for YouTube

But I also remember all the family and friends that came to the hospital or my house.  Those (so many) that brought meals, treats or just dropped in to see how I was doing.  I received  calls, texts and emails not to mention all the wonderful love and support on Facebook and my blog.  I had people praying for me that I had never met.  I had friends from work send or bring me thoughtful items to uplift and make me happy.  Neighbors and friends sent flowers and all types of wonderful things.  Relatives traveled long distances to be with us.  My kids called and visited daily.  And Scott handled my drains and took care of everything.

Today, while thinking so much about my friend's daughter, I had to go into my oncologist's office to have my port flushed.  (yes, I still have that darn thing)  A gal I had never seen before walked into the chemo room and stood looking around at the chairs.  I was pretty sure this was her first day of chemo.  We started talking and yes, it was her first day.  She was nervous.  I asked if she minded if I told her what I wished I had known going into chemo.  She really wanted to hear.  I told her some of my experiences and what I think could have been done to avoid those outcomes.  I, once again, got a little emotional while talking to her.  In a flash - I could remember and feel how HARD it was to go through chemo.  

Chemo.... what a voyage into the unknown.  Each treatment had the same and also a different outcome from the previous treatment.  Chemo/cancer takes away your feeling of control over your life. Cancer is never very far from your thoughts.  You might be distracted for a few minutes but that doesn't last long.  Chemo changes your body - the way you look and the way you feel.  Your skin changes, your hair falls out, you lose your eyelashes and eyebrows.  One minute you are flushed red and the next you are white as a ghost.  Your lips crack, your mouth is dry and your skin peels.  You gain weight even though your nauseated and dealing with diarrhea.  AND you get zits! Seriously... nothing pretty about that stuff.  

On Our Way to My First Chemo Treatment

The morning of my 4th treatment (and each treatment after)  - I told Scott that I wasn't going.  I quit!  I knew what was coming and expected each time to get worse (and I wasn't disappointed).  I didn't feel I could do it anymore.  Of course I went but believe me when I say - it takes a lot of courage and strength to do chemo. 

This is the "club" that these two wonderful women have now joined.  This club is filled with the most amazing men, women and children.  People that probably would never have met, become friends - have a special bond.  Kindness and empathy is a common trait. When you meet another person in this "club" whether or not the cancer is/was the same as yours, you instantly understand each other on some level.

People tell me that in time the memories and feelings become easier to manage and I won't be as emotional.  As in all things I'm sure this is true.  But I will never forgot the changes cancer has created in my life. Nor will I ever forget the amazing love and support that was shown me. I was overwhelmed that so many people cared. 

I am heartbroken for anyone that joins this "club".  I hate to see another person and family go through any cancer experience.  It is a difficult road.  However, the understanding, balance and insight I have gained from my membership in this "club" is priceless.

Right After the News - Before it Really Began

Now 

My Mom Said There Would Be Days Like This...

Happy New Year!

NOT

Our New Year started out how 2013 was ending... with Scott sick and my knee the size of a beach ball.  I got up (didn't really sleep) to Scott looking like he had seriously been run over by something BIG.  Dark circles under his eyes, pale skin, fever, bloodshot eyes, cold chills - you name and he either had it or looked like it!

I told him to get dressed as I was taking him to Urgent Care.  You know a man is sick when their reply is "ok".  The doctor we saw has been in practice for 30 years so he has seen his share of illness.  He checked Scott out, looked at me and said that Scott was a fraction away from being admitted to the hospital.  He has a good case of pneumonia. He told me if I had waited a few more hours I most likely would have been calling an ambulance.  His oxygen level was low - 85 but while there they were able to get it up to 88/89.  The doc gave us a boat load of prescriptions and then off to bed he goes.  Where he has stayed since.

Not Looking Well.... my poor, sick honey

If anyone knows Scott at all they know he does not like to sit still.  I tell him he has adult ADHD.  He always has to be doing something - craving, wood building, making a sword (yes, this is true), tinkering with a number of appliances/gadgets, working on his Firebird, etc.  So the fact that he has not ventured too far away from the bed or the chair in 5 days is pretty telling.

Sometimes the chair is just more comfortable

He thinks he's feeling somewhat better today - which is good OR he will be visiting the doctor again tomorrow.  

My knee from my scope is really a pain.  At PT on Friday the therapist spent a good 30 minutes trying to move the swelling around.  It's been 3 weeks since my silly scope.  I should be better by now.  I mean seriously, I had my boobs chopped off - this is nothing, right?!  Apparently I have underestimated the trauma my body is willing to deal with right now.  HA.

PT on the knee

My mom warned me there would be days like this!

I've decided that I'm not counting any of this as 2014 issues.  They both started in 2013 - so it's leftovers.  Once we get past all this... we will be great!!!  I'm ready for some trips, friends, family and sunshine! I've got a list of things I want to do this year!! 

Speaking of lists....  I started a "happy moments" jar.  Each day I am writing something that made me smile or made me feel good during the day. A memory I want to keep. I then put that little memory in the jar.  At the end of the year I can read back on the wonderful things that I experienced each day in 2014. My memory is getting a little fuzzy (I'm blaming chemo) and I don't want to lose some of these precious memories.