Soooo I Guess It's Really Cancer....

Emotions run high as one year ago I underwent surgery for breast cancer.  One year ago - seems like a lifetime.  

Everyone has moved on.... accept maybe not me so much.  I read my post from last year.  I sat here, at my computer, and cried. Those memories, scars really, are still so fresh.  Reading how I felt brings all those emotions back to the surface.  It feels like putting salt on an open wound.  It's painful.

At my last doctor's appointment - I told him that I still didn't believe I have/had cancer.  I think someone made a big mistake.  (In psycho babble this is called denial)  He looked at me and just smiled.  Sooooo.... what exactly does that smile mean?

Anyway - HOORAY for me!  One rough, tough, difficult year bites the dust.  However, I will never truly celebrate success until this rotten, crappy, evil, life destroying cancer is cured.  

THEN we will party!!

Minutes before surgery - July 20, 2012

Do I Dare Use THAT Word??

Today I was called a "survivor".  I am not a fan of this terminology but it did get me thinking. I began thinking about all the "things" that have happened to me in the past 15 years. Experiences I survived?? What is a survivor?? Do I dare use that word??  (apparently life got a little harder after 40...)

At the start of 1998 my 23 year marriage was struggling.
My dad passed away.  I was heartbroken.

First grandchild born - Dyson

My marriage of 25 years ended.  More heartbreak.

 

Change jobs to work in Salt Lake City

Second marriage

Second grandchild born - Colby

My 3 year 'hiccup' marriage ended.  Not so heartbreaking.
My mom's age is starting to take it's toll. 

Third grandchild born - Hank

Date Scott  (2 years)

Marry Scott

Fourth grandchild born - Max

ITP goes crazy

Move mom into a retirement residence

Mammo not good - first biopsy ever 

Relief!  Biopsy is negative

 

Had splenecomy for ITP issues

Scott is diagnosed with Melanoma

Scott has surgery - almost dies on the 'table'

Platelet count crashes to 'life threatening'

High doses of Prednisone (I am such a grump)

Austin passes away - heartbreaking

Mom is getting worse

Mom passes away - I am heartbroken, again

FINALLY get a good family picture

 

Given chemo drug Rituxen for ITP

Fifth grandchild born - Owen

Platelet count good!

Sixth grandchild born - Sam

Seventh grandchild born - Lennon

Platelet count staying up and excellent

Working out/taking care of myself - lose weight

Find lump in left breast

Second biopsy

Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer. Heartbroken once again

Three more biopsy's

Surgery

  

Family all together for one week

 

Chemo

All kinds of Side Effects

Lose Hair

Nails turn black -get yucky

End of Taxotere and Carboplatin

Entire family together for Christmas

Heart doing well on Herceptin

Bone Loss

Neuropathy

Hair growing

Alive

Happy

Love Life

Love Family

Love Friends

L U C K Y   L A D Y

"Survivor".  Maybe - but no more tougher than anyone else.  I look at it this way - 

every morning that I wake up is a day that my heartaches

or that darn ITP or that rotten cancer didn't beat me!

  I have another day to spend loving my husband, my children, grandchildren and friends.

  Another day to sweat, shiver, pull weeds, do the laundry, ride the 4 wheelers, 

build a snowman, laugh out loud or cry like a baby. 

 Another day to LIVE.

  Every person has tough experiences in their life.  

No one gets a break. 

We will all die someday. But until then

Each day we wake up

 We are SURVIVORS!

 It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
Just trying hard to mend the pieces
of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
  feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
but now I hold my head up high

Oh no not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
and I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
hey, hey 

(Gloria Gaynor)

 

ONE year ago

ONE YEAR AGO....

July 3, 2012 - 

I was packing to go to the cabin for the 4th of July celebration.

      I was also getting ready to go to the cemetery with flowers for my mom's birthday.

Scott was in the garage getting the 4 wheelers loaded.

Rusty and his family were headed to Milwaukee for the holiday.

Randy and his family were headed to Zion's.

Jenni and her family were packing to go to the cabin with us.

Rick was in Florida meeting his girlfriends family.

The call came.

It's a moment that no one can forget.

You remember exactly what you were doing when you received the call.

You remember the exact words spoken.

You Remember It All.

You remember telling your husband.

You remember calling your children.

You remember crying.

ONE Year...

So many changes

So many tears

So much love and support

So many prayers

 

After chemo today I will have TWO treatments left and another surgery. This has been a tough, difficult year.  Out of the blue I can start to cry.  I'm not sure I could ever do this again.  I hope I don't ever have to make that decision.

THEN - 2012 (flowers for my mom)

NOW - 2013

GYNO 101

I went to my yearly gynecologist appointment today... somewhat bitter sweet.  Last June she was telling me the lump I found needed to be checked.  Heck yeh - I knew that - I'd get to it.  But she told me "now".  Just look what that got me!

She is very sweet. She has called from time to time throughout the year to see how I'm doing.  She wanted all the updated stories today.  She wanted to hear about my surgery, my totally rotten chemo round one treatment and how I was doing now.  Her eyes were moist when I told her about my nails and my depression.

I mentioned that now - with my hair coming in - so many people do not know how difficult and tough this past year has been for me. I mentioned how much I have missed my mom and how important family and friends have been through all of this.

I told her I didn't think I could go through all this again but she said she knew I could, if needed.  I mentioned how ticked I am that I have gained 14 pounds after losing 40 last year.  She said it's because my body is a "fighter".  Her comments were that my body was doing what it needed to do to fight the cancer and deal with the poison it was given.  She went on to say that skinny, tiny bodies can not fight as well and most often lose.  So the 14 pounds is a blessing.  It means my body wanted to fight and win.  She said that in the next 6 months my little body will stabilize - once the treatments are completed.

Funny thing... she actually made me feel GOOD about gaining some weight!!  HA!  That's a new idea~

My thoughts today are that I hope all my family and friends take care of themselves... CHECK for anything amiss in the way they are feeling in/on their bodies.  We only get one.  Let's keep them healthy and around for many years!

BTW - THREE MORE chemo treatments and then I should be done!  HOORAY~

I Think My Body Is Mad

Yep!! I think my body is mad at me. Not sure why - other than I've been filling it full of poison now for 10 months. Why would that make my little ole bod mad?

The past two days I have been having deep in-the-joint and bone aches and pain along with aches everywhere else in my body.  The bottoms of my feet hurt - the palms of my hands hurt. My FOOBs especially hurt. Tylenol will take away some of it for a few hours but tonight I had to crawl on my hands and knees UP my stairs!  It was too painful on my feet and bending my knees.  WEIRD STUFF!!

I'm kind of concerned... kind of.  I have no fever - no nausea - no sore throat or cough.  I think my body is just telling me that it's had enough.  But it's gonna have to "tough it out" for a little while longer.

By my calculations I have FOUR more chemo treatments.... 6/13, 7/3 (anniversary of the "c" news), 7/25 and... if all goes well -  8/15 should be my last treatment.

I've been telling my body the past two days that it's not MY fault.  IT messed up.  IT let cancer cells take hold.  I should be mad at IT not the other way around.  I've been trying to check for any new lumps - something that puts FEAR in the minds of cancer peeps.  But everything hurts too much to push around.

That's what I'm dealing with now along with trying to figure out HOW to lose this chemo weight!!

UGH

I Miss You Both So Much

I'm heading to Madison - Wahoooo - to celebrate Owen's 2nd birthday.  I'm so excited to see him!! Oh.. and Rusty and Collette, too! I had a few things to take care of before I could leave.  Like... chemo Thursday morning and...

Wednesday (22nd) I went over to East Lawn Memorial to place the flowers on my parents graves for Memorial Day. I miss and think about them everyday but nothing compares to the way I have missed them (especially my mom) this past year.  It has been one ROUGH year!

My cancer would have been extremely difficult for my 88 year old not-as-strong-as-she-use-to-be mom.  So I'm glad "that" mom didn't have to see the pains and melt downs from my cancer.  But my mom, the one who I can still picture sitting on the kitchen chair in her yellow kitchen talking on her green phone, would have been such a good support.  Sometimes you just really need your mom.  I have often thought of her in that yellow kitchen.  There were times that I didn't think she could possibly understand me and then she would surprise me.  That mom would have been checking on me, helping me, hugging me and telling me everything would be alright -  during the times when I didn't think they would.  The other night I picked up my phone to call her. When I realized what I was doing I just stared at the phone while tears filled my eyes.  She has been gone 2 1/2 years.

My dad's calming presence would have given me peace when I needed it.  His spiritual strength would have buoyed me up when I didn't want to continue.  I picture my dad in his recliner, with the newspaper (of course) and his big smile on his face.

My mom and dad aren't with me physically but my loving memories and thoughts of them are with me daily, in my heart.  I feel incredibly blessed that I had these two people as my parents.  If they hadn't adopted me - I'm sure my life would have been much different.  

As I placed the flowers on their graves I felt tears, once again, in my eyes.  

I miss you both so much!

 

I HATE CANCER!!

C A N C E R

the great evil

I received some heartbreaking news today that a good, dear friend was diagnosed with cancer.  I cried. I am still crying.  I can not handle that another person and family has to go through the fight against this horrible disease.    

It doesn't matter what kind of cancer you have - or your stage - or your "odds".... Your life and that of your loved ones will be changed forever.  You will always wonder if  "IT" has come back.  You have times when you realize how incredibly short the rest of your life might really be.  You look at things differently.

As my life continues to get closer to "normal" it is sad to realize that other people are just starting the journey.

Life is a wonderful, fragile gift.  I hope I never take it for granted.