The Wind in My Hair

A couple of weekends ago Scott and I were in St. George for the blessing of his niece's daughter.  While walking through the hall in the church, two little girls approached me.  One looked up and said "why is your hair so short?"  DANG!  Just when I was starting to feel a little less like a cancer patient~ 

People have been emailing and texting me for an updated photo shoot of my hair.   Apparently, according to a 7 year old, my hair is still very short.   However, I did get excited the other night when I was able to put my sunglasses under my hair. HOORAY!! 

Then just a few days ago....  Scott teased me a little that I had some "bedhead" going on when I got up.  My hair was STICKING UP in several places!!  WAHOOO!!

Add to all that the fact that I could FEEL the wind blowing through my hair the other night.  I can't express what a THRILL that was!!  I could FEEL my hair being blown.

Small things ... in a hectic life
    But BIG things to me ... in my recovering life!

Part of my recovery is having FUN again!! 

 And speaking of fun.....

My awesome friend, Angie, gave me her concert tickets to Bon Jovi.  She was sick and wouldn't be able to go.  Sad for her .......  But  W A H O O  for me!!  I've had a "crush" on JON since the 80's!

Jon Bon Jovi LIVE on stage

Scott and I at the concert

Oh YEA - Tickets and a Shirt!!!

R O C K  O N !

AU CONTRAIRE!

Some days really get me thinking.  Over the past 8 months I've been involved in several conversations where someone has stated that I was "given cancer because you could handle it". 

 AU CONTRAIRE!!

 

The assumption that some people are making is that God gave me cancer.  I do not believe that I was "given" cancer whether as a "gift" or because I could "handle it", from God.

I do believe our bodies are subject to the effects of environment and genetics.  Some of us get crappy diseases because our bodies are fallible.  Some of our bodies fight better than others because of our genetic makeup - some bodies struggle.  It's more the "luck of the draw" then "given".  

Personally, I don't believe that GOD gave me something painful or difficult because I could handle it.  I don't believe GOD pointed His finger at me and said "Jeri will handle abandonment issues - let her be adopted".  Or, "Jeri can handle a gut-wrenching - brokenhearted experience so let her experience divorce."  Ohh ohh.. wait... Jeri still can handle more... "Give her cancer just because......she can handle it and someone has to have it!"

The God I love, my Heavenly Father, is a loving Father.  He hurts when His children hurt, as I hurt for mine.  He suffers when His children struggle as I do when my children struggle. He wants us to succeed and be happy as I want my children to succeed and be happy.  He is the example of a true and loving Father.  He would not "give" me cancer. The issue is more that God allows life to happen to us, and the key is how we respond to those events.   Yes, there are lessons to be learned from each experience - that is why He is always close by - to hear our struggles, pains and sorrows.  To comfort.  That is my God, my Father in Heaven, that I love.

 

 

FOOB Follies

F O O B 

 Citation [Def. 2]. (n.d.)  Fake Boob
 

Once again I had the pleasure (tongue in cheek) of hearing the words that my left "FOOB" has an infection.

S E R I O U S L Y ? ? ?

My doctor's first word to me today, when he saw me was... "WHOA".  NOT a good sign.  A sonogram was performed.  Thankfully no fluid.  NOW what?! 

More antibiotics.  I just finished a "Z pac" for my sinus yuck.  Doc did mention that sometimes sinus infections can trigger infections elsewhere  aka the FOOB.  

It sounds like once this mess is cleaned up there will be at least one additional surgery added to my list of "things to do this spring".  So instead of one surgery there will be two - possibly three.  <BIG SIGH>

I'm hoping for some immediate relief.  I am currently experiencing a lot of pain in my left arm and, of course, my left FOOB.  I'm hoping NOT to cancel another trip.  (This time - Vegas to visit my brother and sister.)  All fingers and functional toes are crossed.

And to think I thought once the NASTY CHEMO was done

I'd be in the CLEAR.

ha!

"The Best Laid Schemes of Mice and Men!!"

 (Robert Burns  1786)

   

N E D - what's it all about!

No  Evidence of Disease - N E D !!!

Thursday (March 21) I went for another round of chemo (Herceptin).  I meet with my doctor prior to the infusion.  He is such a gentleman - he offers his hand and helps me onto the examine table.  Then the conversation begins....

 

Doc:  "Do you have any cancer concerns?"

Me:  "Cancer concers?  Cancer concerns me...."

Doc:  "Have you felt any new lumps or bumps or anything questionable?"

Me:  "No.  Should I??"  (always afraid I'll have the wrong answer)

Then my gentlemanly doctor pokes, pushes, looks and listens to my body.

Doc: "You look good. I don't see anything that's of concern."

Me:  "So.... am   I... you know... NED?"

Doc:  "YES!  You have No Evidence of Cancer.  You are NED."

Me:  "Can I tell people that?" 

Doc:  (chuckles)  "Yes you can."

So PEOPLE of my blog world... I'm NED!!

It's rather strange.  I'm not jumping up and down and doing cartwheels like one would expect.  It feels like that time, not too many months ago, when I was told I had cancer.                      SURREAL

PLUS I'm never really out of the woods.  IT can come back to haunt me again.  I still emotionally have cancer.  This might take me a little time to get over..... and move on.... and forget.  Hmmm I will never forget.

BUT.. I don't want to drag down my blog today. I'm grateful that the chemo has/is working! Today I celebrated with chocolate and a Pepsi!! 

I will still be doing treatments.  7 more Herceptin infusions.  I will continue to take Arimidex (poison pill) for 5 years... to try and keep this beast away.  As a side note - reading about Arimidex - this little pill seems to increase  my survival odds....yes, we like that!  So, after doing all the chemo and continuing with Herceptin and Arimidex - according to the American Cancer Society - I have a 87.5% chance of making 2 years cancer free.  Pretty good odds!!     QUICK - knock on wood!

Anyway THREE cheers

N E D - Rah Rah Rah!!!

NED - 21Mar2013

 

Getting STRONGER!!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger

Just me, myself and I

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

(Stronger - Kelly Clarkson)

STRONGER....  I'm feeling that way every day 

I now go to  work and almost everywhere without a hat.  My hair is growing. (I still look like a cancer patient but still....)

I boxed up my wigs and put them away on Saturday.

My "fight like a girl" and "pink ribbon" charms that I have been wearing around my neck now hang around my rearview mirror in my car.

I'm not dreaming about cancer anymore.

I don't talk about cancer or read about it as much.

I'm counting down (instead of up) the number of treatments I have left.  I figure I have 8 maybe 9 more .... single digits!!

I mentioned to Scott tonight that the further I get "away" from my Carboplatin/Taxotere treatment the stronger and better I'm feeling.  Looking back at those treatments I now realize that I really was sick.  I really did not feel good during that time.  There were more days that I probably should have stayed in bed.  There are more days that I should not have turned on my computer and worked.  There were more days that I should have taken better care of myself.

Maybe that's one of the lessons I've learned for myself during this trip.  It's alright to be "gentle" to myself... to take care of myself.  It's alright not to expect myself to perform at 100% every day.

I've learned that I'm stronger then I think.  It's alright to get discouraged - even depressed at times.  It's alright to cry and even have a pity party as long as I continue to move forward.

A poem I have in my home states:

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

And I would add that it cannot take away my internal strength.

I feel that I have had a lot of spiritual strength on my side throughout this time.  I now look forward to each new day as I'm getting stronger physically and emotionally as well.

W A H O O O O ! ! !

 

 

 

ECKO-ing

My poor little heart has been through a lot in the 57 years it's been ticking. It's beat wildly with excitement.  It has felt so much love and happiness that I thought it would burst. It's been broken to the point when I didn't think it would recover.  It has swelled with pride. 

But right now my heart could have issues. 

COULD.. but hopefully, NOT.  The current drug I'm on (until August), Herceptin, can cause "left ventricular cardiac dysfunction, arrhythmias, hypertension, disabling cardiac failure, cardiomyopathy, and cardiac death." 

Given that the heart is somewhat vital for living - an ECKO was performed on my heart prior to starting Herceptin (August 2012) and has continued every 3 months.  Wednesday (6th) is another ECKO.  On my last visit - my heart showed a little "damage" but thankfully it wasn't enough to stop the treatment.
 

Heart damage is a frightening risk but stopping Herceptin is a sobering risk.  Before 2007, only Stage IV HER2+++ breast cancer patients were given this drug - which is considered "a miracle drug".  In 2007 the FDA approved this drug for all breast cancer patients that are HER2+++.  Prior to that - anyone with less then Stage IV was told to get their affairs in order.  There was no way to effectively fight and stop the aggressive HER2 gene.

If my heart is deemed more damaged - my doctor will stop the Herceptin.  

There is nothing else "out there" in the same league to fight my nasty little HER2 gene.  Fighting will become a different battle.  

So right now I wait ... a little anxiously.... for another ECKO hoping my heart is still strong and healthy.  

What A WEEK I've Had!

Some weeks seem better to forget.

SUNDAY morning 2 am (Rexburg, Idaho)
      Suffice it to say - there's no place like home when you're sick... and throwing up .. and......

MONDAY morning (home)
YUCKY odor from my lifting/bleeding nails.  Called the doctor.  Of course they had the day off and the on-call gal wasn't very nice.  So I started taking Amoxicillian that I carry with me 24/7 because of my ITP.

TUESDAY morning (work)
Called the oncologist about my nails.  They don't know what to do as it is such a RARE side effect from the Taxotere.  I was told to keep taking the antibiotic and if it got worse to visit my primary physician. 

WEDNESDAY evening (Jenni's)
I start getting very very very achy.  OH NO!  Not the flu, please?!

THURSDAY morning (home)
Still very achy, nails are worse.  I have the start of a sore throat.  My left breast was red and under my arm was painful. Called my plastic surgeon (who was out of town) and spoke with the nurse.  I was told to watch it carefully... (ok).   I went into my primary about my nails.  His diagnosis was... SURPRISE!  Infection plus fungus yuck.  He gave me a prescription for Lamsil.  It's given daily for 6 weeks for fingernails and 3 months for toenails.  I'm taking it for 3 months....... blah.  Dr. Mower (bless his heart) told me that it will cure the problem about 80% of the time.  NOOOOOO  PLEASE do not give me a statistic!!  

Let's review my statistical luck~

Splectomy - 60% will "cure" ITP

     Jeri:  40% not cured

Breast Cancer 1 in 8 women

     Jeri:  the 1

HER2 gene (the most aggressive) not found in 80% of Breast Cancer cases

      Jeri: 20% HER2+++

I should go to Vegas!  Anyway, I'm trying hard NOT to focus that 20% of people will still have yucky nails the rest of their lives after this treatment.  BAH HUMBUG!

FRIDAY (home)

After a lovely lunch with my friends Colette and Rea, I called the plastic surgeon's office again.  Things were worse.  I was told to go the ER.  I whined about going there but the nurse patiently explained the severity of problems this type of infection can cause.  If the infection was too advanced I would have to stay in the hospital for several days - on IV's and have things removed and cleaned out surgically.  Not fun.  Thankfully -  I caught it early and it is treatable outside of the hospital. I was diagnosed with a "surgical wound infection".  I was given an IV (huge bruise - the nurse was terrible) and then sent home with MORE pills to take....two pills four times a day for seven days.  This morning I took 10 pills!  WHO said this isn't fun?!

My lovely hospital gown and IV (around the back) Feb 2013

Jenni's visit to cheer me up after my ER trip

If I feel good on Monday - the doctor wants to see me on Tuesday.  If not, he wants me in his office Monday morning.  

What next Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer??

One thing I have learned over and over throughout this cancer experience is that we each need to listen to our own bodies and then to ourselves.  We know our bodies better than anyone else, including the doctors.  I knew things felt different.  I knew something wasn't quite right.  I always worry about "bothering" someone else.  No more!  Health is too important and things can change in a flash.

SUNDAY (church)
I decided to be totally brave.  I made my first public appearance without wearing a hat or wig, to church.  I've pulled off my hat (as shown above) but have always had it close to quickly put back on my head.  Anyway, I felt it was quite brave of me.  I still don't have a lot of hair.  I still look like a cancer patient and not a woman with a chic hairstyle... but I DID IT!   What do you think??

My public debut - Feb 2013

STRIKE A POSE!