N E D - what's it all about!

No  Evidence of Disease - N E D !!!

Thursday (March 21) I went for another round of chemo (Herceptin).  I meet with my doctor prior to the infusion.  He is such a gentleman - he offers his hand and helps me onto the examine table.  Then the conversation begins....

 

Doc:  "Do you have any cancer concerns?"

Me:  "Cancer concers?  Cancer concerns me...."

Doc:  "Have you felt any new lumps or bumps or anything questionable?"

Me:  "No.  Should I??"  (always afraid I'll have the wrong answer)

Then my gentlemanly doctor pokes, pushes, looks and listens to my body.

Doc: "You look good. I don't see anything that's of concern."

Me:  "So.... am   I... you know... NED?"

Doc:  "YES!  You have No Evidence of Cancer.  You are NED."

Me:  "Can I tell people that?" 

Doc:  (chuckles)  "Yes you can."

So PEOPLE of my blog world... I'm NED!!

It's rather strange.  I'm not jumping up and down and doing cartwheels like one would expect.  It feels like that time, not too many months ago, when I was told I had cancer.                      SURREAL

PLUS I'm never really out of the woods.  IT can come back to haunt me again.  I still emotionally have cancer.  This might take me a little time to get over..... and move on.... and forget.  Hmmm I will never forget.

BUT.. I don't want to drag down my blog today. I'm grateful that the chemo has/is working! Today I celebrated with chocolate and a Pepsi!! 

I will still be doing treatments.  7 more Herceptin infusions.  I will continue to take Arimidex (poison pill) for 5 years... to try and keep this beast away.  As a side note - reading about Arimidex - this little pill seems to increase  my survival odds....yes, we like that!  So, after doing all the chemo and continuing with Herceptin and Arimidex - according to the American Cancer Society - I have a 87.5% chance of making 2 years cancer free.  Pretty good odds!!     QUICK - knock on wood!

Anyway THREE cheers

N E D - Rah Rah Rah!!!

NED - 21Mar2013

 

Getting STRONGER!!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger

Just me, myself and I

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

(Stronger - Kelly Clarkson)

STRONGER....  I'm feeling that way every day 

I now go to  work and almost everywhere without a hat.  My hair is growing. (I still look like a cancer patient but still....)

I boxed up my wigs and put them away on Saturday.

My "fight like a girl" and "pink ribbon" charms that I have been wearing around my neck now hang around my rearview mirror in my car.

I'm not dreaming about cancer anymore.

I don't talk about cancer or read about it as much.

I'm counting down (instead of up) the number of treatments I have left.  I figure I have 8 maybe 9 more .... single digits!!

I mentioned to Scott tonight that the further I get "away" from my Carboplatin/Taxotere treatment the stronger and better I'm feeling.  Looking back at those treatments I now realize that I really was sick.  I really did not feel good during that time.  There were more days that I probably should have stayed in bed.  There are more days that I should not have turned on my computer and worked.  There were more days that I should have taken better care of myself.

Maybe that's one of the lessons I've learned for myself during this trip.  It's alright to be "gentle" to myself... to take care of myself.  It's alright not to expect myself to perform at 100% every day.

I've learned that I'm stronger then I think.  It's alright to get discouraged - even depressed at times.  It's alright to cry and even have a pity party as long as I continue to move forward.

A poem I have in my home states:

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

And I would add that it cannot take away my internal strength.

I feel that I have had a lot of spiritual strength on my side throughout this time.  I now look forward to each new day as I'm getting stronger physically and emotionally as well.

W A H O O O O ! ! !

 

 

 

ECKO-ing

My poor little heart has been through a lot in the 57 years it's been ticking. It's beat wildly with excitement.  It has felt so much love and happiness that I thought it would burst. It's been broken to the point when I didn't think it would recover.  It has swelled with pride. 

But right now my heart could have issues. 

COULD.. but hopefully, NOT.  The current drug I'm on (until August), Herceptin, can cause "left ventricular cardiac dysfunction, arrhythmias, hypertension, disabling cardiac failure, cardiomyopathy, and cardiac death." 

Given that the heart is somewhat vital for living - an ECKO was performed on my heart prior to starting Herceptin (August 2012) and has continued every 3 months.  Wednesday (6th) is another ECKO.  On my last visit - my heart showed a little "damage" but thankfully it wasn't enough to stop the treatment.
 

Heart damage is a frightening risk but stopping Herceptin is a sobering risk.  Before 2007, only Stage IV HER2+++ breast cancer patients were given this drug - which is considered "a miracle drug".  In 2007 the FDA approved this drug for all breast cancer patients that are HER2+++.  Prior to that - anyone with less then Stage IV was told to get their affairs in order.  There was no way to effectively fight and stop the aggressive HER2 gene.

If my heart is deemed more damaged - my doctor will stop the Herceptin.  

There is nothing else "out there" in the same league to fight my nasty little HER2 gene.  Fighting will become a different battle.  

So right now I wait ... a little anxiously.... for another ECKO hoping my heart is still strong and healthy.  

What A WEEK I've Had!

Some weeks seem better to forget.

SUNDAY morning 2 am (Rexburg, Idaho)
      Suffice it to say - there's no place like home when you're sick... and throwing up .. and......

MONDAY morning (home)
YUCKY odor from my lifting/bleeding nails.  Called the doctor.  Of course they had the day off and the on-call gal wasn't very nice.  So I started taking Amoxicillian that I carry with me 24/7 because of my ITP.

TUESDAY morning (work)
Called the oncologist about my nails.  They don't know what to do as it is such a RARE side effect from the Taxotere.  I was told to keep taking the antibiotic and if it got worse to visit my primary physician. 

WEDNESDAY evening (Jenni's)
I start getting very very very achy.  OH NO!  Not the flu, please?!

THURSDAY morning (home)
Still very achy, nails are worse.  I have the start of a sore throat.  My left breast was red and under my arm was painful. Called my plastic surgeon (who was out of town) and spoke with the nurse.  I was told to watch it carefully... (ok).   I went into my primary about my nails.  His diagnosis was... SURPRISE!  Infection plus fungus yuck.  He gave me a prescription for Lamsil.  It's given daily for 6 weeks for fingernails and 3 months for toenails.  I'm taking it for 3 months....... blah.  Dr. Mower (bless his heart) told me that it will cure the problem about 80% of the time.  NOOOOOO  PLEASE do not give me a statistic!!  

Let's review my statistical luck~

Splectomy - 60% will "cure" ITP

     Jeri:  40% not cured

Breast Cancer 1 in 8 women

     Jeri:  the 1

HER2 gene (the most aggressive) not found in 80% of Breast Cancer cases

      Jeri: 20% HER2+++

I should go to Vegas!  Anyway, I'm trying hard NOT to focus that 20% of people will still have yucky nails the rest of their lives after this treatment.  BAH HUMBUG!

FRIDAY (home)

After a lovely lunch with my friends Colette and Rea, I called the plastic surgeon's office again.  Things were worse.  I was told to go the ER.  I whined about going there but the nurse patiently explained the severity of problems this type of infection can cause.  If the infection was too advanced I would have to stay in the hospital for several days - on IV's and have things removed and cleaned out surgically.  Not fun.  Thankfully -  I caught it early and it is treatable outside of the hospital. I was diagnosed with a "surgical wound infection".  I was given an IV (huge bruise - the nurse was terrible) and then sent home with MORE pills to take....two pills four times a day for seven days.  This morning I took 10 pills!  WHO said this isn't fun?!

My lovely hospital gown and IV (around the back) Feb 2013

Jenni's visit to cheer me up after my ER trip

If I feel good on Monday - the doctor wants to see me on Tuesday.  If not, he wants me in his office Monday morning.  

What next Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer??

One thing I have learned over and over throughout this cancer experience is that we each need to listen to our own bodies and then to ourselves.  We know our bodies better than anyone else, including the doctors.  I knew things felt different.  I knew something wasn't quite right.  I always worry about "bothering" someone else.  No more!  Health is too important and things can change in a flash.

SUNDAY (church)
I decided to be totally brave.  I made my first public appearance without wearing a hat or wig, to church.  I've pulled off my hat (as shown above) but have always had it close to quickly put back on my head.  Anyway, I felt it was quite brave of me.  I still don't have a lot of hair.  I still look like a cancer patient and not a woman with a chic hairstyle... but I DID IT!   What do you think??

My public debut - Feb 2013

STRIKE A POSE! 

Where Do I Go From Here

This isn't where I intended to be 

I thought I had it all

Now my certainties disappear
What do I do for my dreams to survive? 

 

 

I'm learning a lot about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

I think I have a version of it. 

Research has shown that PTSD can occur with cancer survivors

 especially since they are dealing with a life-threatening medical diagnosis.

(American Cancer Society) 

 

I've got some depression creeping around in my head.

I'm "gun shy" of making any long term commitments right now.

Just about anything can make me emotional - much easier than before!

I don't want to go anywhere but the rooms in my home.

 

In my head I am trying to figure out

Where DO I GO FROM HERE?

What is my next plan?

What do I do with this experience?

 

 

I still feel betrayed by my body

I'm still dealing with treatments every 3 weeks 

I will take a poison pill every morning - for the next 5 years

My fingernails are now totally black and lifting.  

Two fingernails are infected along with two toenails. 

Let's not even discuss what they look like or how they "smell". 

My breasts fill like over-sized croquet balls OR large softballs.

They feel like they have been hit by a club or bat on a daily basis.

 

 

I am scared - yes SCARED - of recurrence

I don't know if I could do this again.

My kids didn't like to hear when I didn't feel good

I don't think my brother or sister did either.

Scott heard the complaints - which wasn't easy.

No one wants to hear my fears -

So I've started therapy

 

 

My oncologist says there won't be any "scans"

unless he finds something.

He pushes around and listens to all my organs before my treatments

He hasn't found anything "new" which is great! 

I'd rather not have any metastasized tumors infiltrating my body.

But WHAT IF he misses something?

So back to my original question

Where do I go from here?

 

I know the answer is FORWARD

I need to figure out what my "new" life will feel like.

New because I'm not the same person that I was before.

This might take me some time

~Please be patient with me~ 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHARLY'S an Angel

 Charly is my friend.  Charly's name is Charlotte but I call her by her nickname - Charly.  Charly and Jeri.. we sound TOUGH.  We are TOUGH.

Charly is really T O U G H!

Charly just turned 7 years old.  

Charly was diagnosed with Leukemia not too many days after I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  Charly and I are both fighting the DEMON cancer on a daily basis. The first time I met her, we showed each other our ports.
 
Charly has a HUGE smile and a great laugh!  She loves Hello Kitty and stuffed animals.  She's not a big fan of dolls... maybe one day.  She draws beautiful flowers...  Charly likes hats that cover her ears and her new scooter that she got for her birthday.  She likes the color orange (blue used to be her favorite) and she knows how to get through the levels of Batman on the Wii. She has missed over 100 days of school this year.... fighting the demon. 

Charly's artwork

I visit her and read the updates her mom posts.  I am amazed at her.  She goes more often for more treatments than I do.  Yet I've only seen her smile.  Of course she's 7 so I'm sure there are rough times for her and her family.  But she is strong.  I've decided her strength is heredity.  Her beautiful mom, her dad and her cute older sister are strong as well. 

I feel lucky to know Charly.  She is an angel that is here to help inspire others while she fights this horrible demon named cancer.

GO Charly!!

FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!

Me and Charly - 2013

Hair Again!!

Kindof.....   it's more peach fuzz then anything.  It is soft, though.  Baby SOFT!  AND Dark with gray.

It's a mystery, really, trying to imagine WHAT I'm going to look like one day in the near future.

Will I be BLONDE again?  I LOVED being blonde.  That's me! 

 or how about BLACK? 

Maybe  DARK Brown ...

OR could red be my shade???

It is somewhat exciting.  I can RE-invent how I look if I want.  Whatever I end up looking like....  I will still be me.  

I just hope the grandkids will recognize me!!